Etiquette

Dear Leo,

As you grow and are challenged by life, you will gradually begin to notice that adult humans have collectively decided what is deemed appropriate sociable behaviour.

People (and this includes Mommy and Daddy) will tell you to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me".

Mommy has been watching you over the past couple of months, and has decided that this human etiquette stuff is actually a load of trumped up hogwash.

She is deeply envious and hugely admiring of your various activities.



1) Bodily functions

Your trumpeting farts, squishy bum sounds, odoriferous farts and belly shaking burps are awe inspiring. Mommy hates the fact that we big female people have to be so apologetic about these sounds and smells, skulking behind closed doors. In fact, it's practically taboo to discuss these bodily functions with the general public. Curious considering, as you have so deflty shown Mommy, these are fundamental processes requiring no apology whatsoever. Mommy has noticed a general decline in her dinner tale popularity in the last couple if months which has occurred, no doubt, due to her enthusiastic discussions with Daddy about your nappy contents.

2) Talking loudly in public to no one in particular

There is always the inevitable yet entirely charming moment when, as we stroll through shopping centres with you strapped firmly into your pram, you choose to talk loudly to yourself.

Most people within earshot (more than half the mall), seem to find this endearing. If mommy had to similarly shout and talk, the men in white coats would arrive to lock her up.

3) Staring at strangers

Who doesn't love to people watch, and you do, more than most. You love to gaze at people as they pass you with those quizzical blue eyes. So much so that more than one or two shop assistants have hastened to finish a transaction with mommy as you stared intensely from your pouch.

You get to stare at the man with the toupe, the woman with the hairy wart and the singing midget. No one has ever muscled in on you saying "Don't look at me funny", even when you try to turn your head at a 360 degree angle to look at them.

4) Finders keepers

Watching you in Moms and Babes the other day, Mommy observed that you don't adhere to pleases and thank yous when removing objects from others. You simply snatch them and crawl off.

In some ways, it would be wonderful to unapologetically grab whatever one wanted in the adult world and not to have to share all the time. But then Mommy realised that many people have never actually grown up in our country, and continue to play not so nicely with others by snatching their stuff without asking first.

5) Becoming a food critic

Last night you upended your dinner bowl on the floor after dropping both spoons, and grimacing around a mouthful of food. This was an expressive display of your disgust of Mommy's cooking.

Mommy thought that perhaps this would be great to apply while eating out at a restaurant. Bad food? Why complain to the waiter or manager, simply throw the plate on the floor. It sends a very distinct and powerful message. Mommy will not be serving you pseudo cottage pie again.

Sadly Mommy realises that, as much as she would love to emulate these behaviours, they have been managed for a reason and that, with time, she will need to curb your expressiveness by teaching you manners.

Until then, she relishes watching your distinct borderless baby world, and lives vicariously through your actions.

Much love,
Mommy